I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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