I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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