got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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