What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
