the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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