he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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