I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
