im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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