would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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