Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
