my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
