she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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