After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
