Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
