whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
