I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize