I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
