I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
