i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
