All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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