Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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