Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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