Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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