this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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