They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
