they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
