I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
