You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
