And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
