just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
