I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
