One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My penis needs a shock collar
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
