Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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