i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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