Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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