Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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