I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
