So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
