God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
