how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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