We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
