don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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