your parents love me but you hate me
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You can't special order awesome
I think I am morally bankrupt
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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