I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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