Need sex. Gaining weight.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
