well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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