I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
