remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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