Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
