Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
