my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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