I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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