shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
