so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
